Unexpected response to letter : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum

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Unexpected response to letter : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum

I’d really value anyone’s opinion on this letter I recently sent to my adoptive dad. Particularly what kind of reaction you’d expect to get from it, as the reaction I have received just seems strange. I know there isn’t really much to go on regarding family history. So I’ll add that when I was 14, my parents divorced. So yeah, stuck in the middle. It was then that I found out that he wasn’t my biological dad. I’m now 52, living with an aging narcissistic mother. I see dad when I can but the relationship is next to nothing. Very little to nil interaction when I see him. If it wasn’t for me maintaining the relationship, there wouldn’t even be one.

Previously for 25 years I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and only in the last 4 years diagnosed DID. Hard to accept, as I never really thought of my childhood as being too traumatic or abusive. So it’s only recently, with therapy that It’s coming to light that my childhood was far more traumatic and abusive than I ever realized. It’s been like waking up from a coma.

Anyway, here’s the letter.

I bet you didn’t expect to hear from me today. It’s looking unlikely that I’ll be over this year. Sorry. Wish I could, but my finances aren’t very good.

You should’ve had this letter sooner. I sent it by snail mail nearly three weeks ago. According to the tracking, it’s still yet to arrive, and looks unlikely it will. So I’ve e-mailed it to Sue, and she’s very kindly printed it for me to give to auntie Mary, then she can give it to you when she sees you.

Also, I’ve revised the letter a bit. It’s not exactly the same as the one lost in the post. So, should it eventually arrive, just discard it.

Anyway, the reason for writing to you. Oh dear! Don’t really know where to start, and ideally, I wish I didn’t have to.

Has auntie Mary told you that I’ve been in therapy since October 2015. I’ve been going privately. Hence, not having the money to come to England as often as I’d like.

Of course it’s meant going through my past with the therapist. It’s not been easy, as I don’t remember much of my childhood. So I’ve just filled her in with the little I remember. I’ve been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). It’s thought to be brought on by trauma and abuse in childhood. Yeah, I remember a few incidents, but not many, and don’t remember anything really traumatic or abusive. Said to be common with DID. It blocks bad things out so you don’t remember them.

The only thing I really remember is when we were living at Kingswood, in the mobile home, shortly after John and Andy came. I remember Ma’ telling me not to call John anything racist. I think at that age, it’s unlikely I knew what that really meant, especially as there were tv shows like “Rising Damp” and “Love Thy Neighbour”, plus other shows that had that kind of theme. It was more acceptable then. So yes, I remember Ma’ saying don’t call John anything racist, or I’d be beaten with your rest stick. I don’t remember her being specific on who would do it, only that I’d get your stick. So no, I’m not implying that you beat me. I remember one day when I guess I must’ve used a racist word, and being dragged into a room and put across a knee, ready to receive a good hiding. That’s as far as I remember. So whether I was beaten, I don’t know. Knowing Ma’s temper, I’m thinking it was most likely Ma’, and I most likely received a beating.

Talking to auntie Mary, and her asking how the therapy is going, I told her about what I remember about the threat of having your stick. She went on to tell me of one incident when I had done something Ma’ didn’t approve of, and I got a good hiding for it. The way she told me, it sounds like you were there to see it, and didn’t approve of how Ma’ was treating me. So much so, that you were concerned for my safety, and took me to stay with your mum, rather than leave me on my own with Ma’. I don’t remember any of this at all. So yes, of course I wonder just how true it is. I can’t think of any reason why auntie Janet would make something up like that. Finding it hard to accept though. More denial than anything else. I do remember being taken to stay with auntie Mary and uncle Mike for a while. For what reason, I don’t remember, or how long, or if I ever knew the reason at the time. It’s weird, cos I can remember it being the first time I had pizza. I only remember staying there on my own with them once. Whether it was a regular thing, I don’t remember.

Of course, I am concerned if any of the above is true, but knowing what Ma’ can be like, I am inclined to believe it, even though I don’t want to.

Only other incident I remember is when we were at Cranbrook. I was in my room, and had been sick on the floor. Instead of Ma’s concern, asking me if I was okay, I was told that it was my mess, clean it up. I remember cleaning it up and crying as I did so.

Over the years I had been told that I went to a convent school. Again, I remember very little about it. Around this time, I was being sick at home. I was taken to the hospital and checked out, and that they couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me, and that all the time I was in hospital, I was okay. I was sent home, only to be sick again. I have the hospital report and it says that if being sick persists, they were going to look into it being a psychiatric problem. Over the years, I was always told that it was an allergy to the orange juice at the convent school. No mention of that in the report, and in more recent years, When Ma’ has recounted the story, there has been no mention of orange juice.

So yes, I’m here asking you if Ma’ did actually mistreat me as auntie Mary claims. Or if anyone else mistreated me. If so, was it just the occasional thing, or regular. As I said, I don’t remember. I used to think my memory was very good, and it is as far as remembering things of interest, but my memory of my past is very bad. I wasn’t even aware of how bad it was till I looked through the case of photos. Non of them jogged any memories. I still have my Christening photos, and goblet, but don’t remember anything of it.

Sorry to have to ask, but I really need to know what my life was like living with Ma’, especially after what auntie Mary has told me. I know the obvious person to ask would be Ma’, but if she had mistreated me, she’s hardly likely to admit it. Also, I have approached her about things in the past that I do remember for sure, and recent things too, only for her to deny everything, and even go as far as suggesting that I imagined it all*. Years back, when I did ask about the past, she told me that I’m better off not knowing. Doesn’t help. It only makes you think the worst, and perhaps think worse than it really was. Also, I’m reluctant to ask, not knowing anything for sure, and I’m trying to find out without her knowing. I’m sure it would cause a lot of friction if she knew I was asking.

*Example. When auntie Mary was last here, Ma’ had her in tears. Auntie Mary hasn’t been back since. I was there in the room when it happened. Saw it all. But Ma’ claims it didn’t happen. So if I was to ask Ma’ anything, there would always be the doubt of how true anything is.

I do remember Uncle Mikes funeral and at auntie Marys house. It didn’t go un noticed that when ever Ma’ came into a room you were in, you got up and went to another. I’m guessing to avoid any friction. For the life of me, I don’t know why Ma’ commented on you drinking and driving. She must’ve known what your reaction would be. I can’t help thinking that she did it deliberately. It felt like she got pleasure out of it too.

Over the course of seeing the therapist over three years, the subject of Ma’ has obviously come up. From what I’ve been able to tell her, she’s suggested that Ma’ has a problem. Can’t say the I’m surprised.

Again, not implying that you mistreated. From what auntie Janet has told me, it sounds like you kept me safe more than anything.

Also, when we were living at Kingswood, do you remember a Mr. Ash? From what I remember, I used to go to his home and watch cartoons. Woody Pecker I remember mostly. This would’ve been before the days of video recorders, so it was a film projector. He must’ve lived locally, for me to get there on my own. I remember being told not to go there again. For what reason, I don’t remember. I’ve asked Ma’ about him. She doesn’t remember him. Andy doesn’t remember him either. So yes, curious to know who he was.

So if there is anything you can tell me, good or bad, please can you reply. I have enclosed an envelope, but sorry, I don’t have any UK stamps.

As I said above, I’m doing this without Ma’ knowing, and obviously want it to stay that way. So I trust this letter won’t go any further, and Ma’ finding out. Unlikely I know, but I want to be sure. Our relationship isn’t that great as it is, and if she ever got wind of this, it’d only make things worse. As you can imagine.

I don’t know what your hand writing is like these days. Mine is still pretty bad. Not even I can read it. So if hand writing is a problem, perhaps you can dictate to someone, and have them write it. Maybe Judy?

If my finances change for the better, I’ll try and get over again.

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