Trigger warning: sex, sexual abuse, pain. : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum

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Trigger warning: sex, sexual abuse, pain. : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum


I spoke to my ex, with whom the relationship was problematic at times.

He brought up two things that he was still thinking about and they both had to do with littles he interacted with without knowing. One of them certainly played out trauma. I know about that.

Trigger warning: sex, sexual abuse, pain.

The other one had sex with him and doesn’t have a care in the world about ir. It’s concerning to me and brings up questions. I personally cannot enjoy sex and occassionally it suddenly hurts. However, he told me that she enjoyed it. No pain whatsoever.

At the time, when I found out what happened I made sure it never happened again and my ex respected that boundary thankfully.

It leaves me with a lot of questions: was I ever sexually abused? Why does SHE hold the ability to have pleasure? Why does she think this is normal?

The pain for me is very localized and sudden and sharp. Like something breaking. It makes me very scared. It’s always at the same spot. I thought maybe it has broken there at some point and maybe that’s why it’s less flexible? But I don’t remember that ever happening.
So I convinced myself it’s a skin disease or something, even though I don’t think there’s really anything to see. But now I don’t know what to believe, because the little was fine apparently? I also thought that I had no amnesia, but my ex said that I certainly do. Cue: a feeling of powerlessness.

Feeling dysregulated and scared. I’m trying to lock all of these thoughts up in a box, but I think writing helps.





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