The last time. Why is it just eaier to think I’m just Crazy? : Sexual Abuse and Incest Forum

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The last time. Why is it just eaier to think I’m just Crazy? : Sexual Abuse and Incest Forum


I haven’t been on in awhile… I thought I was finally doing okay but I’m really NOT.

Trigger Warning.

So the last time my dad abused me I was actually when I was 14/15.

I went over for the weekend, my older brothers didn’t come with me, they had something else to do that weekend. My stepsisters didn’t live with their mom by that point. (She was/is a drunk) So I was there by myself. My dad and I were outside with a campfire going. It was our faverite thing to do together. We always stayed up late together & would hang by the fire. My stepmom had went to bed, passed out drunk.
(At this point in my life I didn’t really have any memories of the abuse from when I was younger. I had pushed they back down with cutting myself. & this was also the point in my life where I had the closest bond with my dad.)
Well my dad and I were hanging by the fire. He had multiple drinks by this point and was probably drunk. (Though my dad never acted drunk, ever. He’s a big guy, 6’6″ and full of muscles. & can drink ALOT.) I started to get this weird feeling and my dad kept looking at me funny. So I decided that it was late and I was going to go to bed. I gave him a hug and said good night. I went upstairs to the room I was staying in and got ready for bed.
I shut the lights off & got in bed but for some reason I couldn’t fall asleep. It had been an Hour & a half later when I heard the door open & shut. He quietly walked over & was standing next to the bed. I pretended I was asleep. He stood there for a few minutes before he sat down on the edge of the bed & started to rub my back. I still just pretended I was sleeping. I thought maybe he would leave if he thought I was sleeping. But he started moving his hands lower to my waist, and lower…
He pulled the covers off me and turned me over, so I was then on my back. He slowly started to take my clothes off. Running his hands all over my body. He stood up and took his boxers off before he joined me in bed. He continued to touch me everywhere. Rubbing me down there, as he got ontop of me…
I whispered “Dad..” but I’m not even sure he heard me.
He started to kiss me on the lips and move his hands everywhere.
Then he had sex with me.

After he was done, he held me for awhile, as I cried quietly…
He whispered “I Love You, Baby Girl” Then he got out of bed, putting his boxers back on and pulled the covers gently back over me. He walked over to the door and whispered “Shh..”
Opened the door and left.

I told myself that it was just a nightmare and that it didn’t actually happen. I justed lied to myself over and over, as I curled up on the bed, still crying silently…
I told myself it was a nightmare because I didn’t believe he would do that to me. I told myself it was a nightmare because I was ashamed… I didn’t fight him, I didn’t scream, I didn’t even say NO… I did nothing but cry quietly. I was ashamed because he made me “enjoy” it…
I told myself it was just a nightmare…

I slept in extremely late and when I woke up I was extremely sore and I still had no clothes on. I layed there frozen , not sure what actually happened. I slowly pulled the cover back and looked down… I saw bruises… hand prints on my hips, and just bruises on my thighs. There was also blood inbetween my legs. (Not because I was a virgin (he had long since taken that)but because he was big and rough with me… Yet he still made me “enjoy” it, made my body have an orgasm. Made me so ashamed…)
I slowly got out of bed, even though my legs were weak, I got dressed and went directly into the bathroom. I took a quick shower because I wasn’t aloud to take long ones (my stepmom would get mad) plus I thought he might walk in on me. (the bathroom was connected to their room & there was no locks on the doors)
After my shower, I went downstairs. My dad said “Good morning” and asked how I slept… Like nothing ever happened, so maybe I did dream it, maybe he didn’t remember because he had been drinking…
I just kept it to myself and acted like it never happened. It was just a nightmare.

I hugged my dad when I was leaving and he touched the spot on my back (The one that makes my head fuzzy), so I started to dissociate wicked bad… Maybe that’s what he was hoping for. To make sure I wouldn’t remember.

When I finally got home, I went straight into the shower.
I stayed in the shower for over an hour. Which didn’t help me feel clean…
I stayed in my room the rest of the night… I took my razor blade out and cut myself really bad, to help me forget…

I skipped school the next day because I couldn’t get out of bed. The following day at school, I didn’t talk to anyone, I couldn’t… It was like that for a few days and I cut myself every night, until I forgot all together… It was just a nightmare.

I could have fought him. I could have yelled… I could have atleast told him NO… Instead I just did nothing.

I started to remember this memory last year around my birthday… This is the one that bothers me the most… I remember all of it. Every Single Detail. I think it’s because I was actually old enough to fully understand what was happening to me. Where is all the other memiors are kind of bits and pieces & I never really remembered who it was. I have suspected that it was my dad for a long time.

I never told anyone this because I’m ashamed. It’s different then the times when I was a kid. I actually could have done somthing, but maybe it’s true that I actually wanted it to happen. If I truely didn’t want it to happen, I could have done something…
That and if I admitted it, then that means it was actually my dad and I wouldn’t be able to lie to myself anymore.

I told myself awhile ago that I was finally going to accept the truth. That this did in fact happen and that it was in fact my dad who did it to me… I thought I accepted it but every time I get ahead, I always fall backward.

It’s just so hard to believe. I find it easier to tell myself that none of it happened and in fact I did just dream up all of it.
It’s easier to believe that I’m just crazy and made everything up.

I just don’t believe that my dad would do this to me. I had always had a good relationship with my dad, I was always close to him…

But he DID abuse me. For SO MANY years…
:cry: :cry: :cry:

I would rather just believe I’m crazy…

Why is it easier to think I’m the crazy one?

I know my dad groomed me since I was atleast 4 years old. I know part of his grooming was to make me feel pleasure, and he always rubbed my back.
I know that because he groomed me, that’s why I never fought back…

I DON’T KNOW!!! I’m just so ######6 confused about everything! & I don’t know how to handle the truth, which is why it’s easier to think I’m just crazy…

I really just don’t know how to handle this…

My Scars, They are like stripes on a Tiger.
What makes Him unique. Makes Him Beautiful.
No, I won’t be ashamed. Won’t hide them.
They Are My Stripes.
To show, I do have Willpower, Strength & Courage. That I Am Beautiful. No matter what anyone says. (Even Myself)
I’ll embrace the Tiger. Listen to His Soul.





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