Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila | TEDxSBU

Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila | TEDxSBU

People may know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, but most don’t know how to get one. Psychologist and researcher Joanne Davila describes how you can create the things that lead to healthy relationships and reduce the things that lead to unhealthy ones using three evidence-based skills – insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. Share this with everyone who wants to have a healthy relationship.

Dr. Joanne Davila is a Professor of Psychology and the Director of Clinical Training in the Department of Psychology at Stony Brook University. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.
Dr. Davila’s expertise is in the area of romantic relationships and mental health in adolescents and adults, and she has published widely in this area. Her current research focuses on romantic competence among youth and emerging adults, the development of relationship education programs, the interpersonal causes and consequences of depression and anxiety, and well-being and relationship functioning among lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals.
Dr. Davila is a Fellow in the Association for Psychological Science and the Incoming Editor (2016-2022) for the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
Dr. Davila also is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in evidence-based interventions for relationship problems, depression, and anxiety.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at


November 17, 2015 / 46 Comments / by / in
  • Money making skill is no 1 in relationship.

  • Anyone who thinks an open marriage is okay must be high as a kite.

  • Problem is people don't talk like this or make decisions like this.

  • Oh the birthday present thing is horrible. Women should never do that.

  • Wanna talk about making your relationship even harder? Try being with someone from a totally different culture. Maybe it's ok for some, but for others, it's hell.

  • wonderful! ! thanks for sharing this♡♡♡

  • 🌸👌

  • About the gift and the idea of requesting a gift openly if you want it, I believe it is very much cultural and personality based. So if he didn't get her a gift just because she vocalized the idea of not getting a gift, I would believe he knows her only superficially, he does not try to understand her and he has absolutely no connection with anyone who does know her( common friends, family, etc). Those are already clear signs of an unhealthy relationship on both ends. (no common social circle can doom a relationship)

    If you are expected to decline to be polite or you decline because you do not wish to come across as greedy or because you do not want to burden that person with the pressure of a specific gift in a way that does not allow room for failure on his part it is normal that you will be disappointed once you really do not receive a present for some occasion, then resentment and anger can easily follow. My point is that words are just a way of expressing desires and they are by no means the most reliable or definitive so acting purely on one little facet of what you know about that person is a bad idea in any circumstance. Do your homework if you want the relationship to work; both of you…

  • this is so good! wish i know this sooner, but better than never

  • I LOVE THIS! just what I needed to hear today

  • "realashunshiipsssssssss" 🙄

  • Snappy isn't usually "had a stressful day at woek" but a much deeper issue, that the person is hurting.

  • I'm really bad at regulating emotions. I feel discarded/abandoned the minute someone that I care about seems distant. As a result, I also back away because I've had experiences in the past where I get hurt from trying to bridge the gap when someone is distant.

  • The guy who didn't get the gift when she said she didn't want anything, was just stupid. And thoughtless. He didn't take the time and effort to think about it. He wasn't passionate enough about her to buy her a gift anyway. I know someone loves me when they think about me and notice me and get me special things that are very specific to me without me asking. Or with sometimes. But without seems to always be sweeter and more miraculous.

  • Congratulation, an excellent presentation with very important messages, Thank you

  • All is about education in all areas, not just sience studies, IT or languages. It's to cope with the idea of developing more sensitive humans from the very begining (schools and of course homes), which is being put aside more and more.

  • I honestly feel that I have learnt something today which I have been seeking answers for. I am married for 5 years now, but it never went smoothly till date. Thank you so much for this motivating talk. Hats off!!

  • Everyday is a good day to work on having better relationships and really connecting with people.

  • This was kind of useless- when your research pool is a bunch of "flirty" 14-year olds who don't actually know what the real world is about (ie: responsibility) you really can't say they have a better understanding…..
    If she were to research couples who have been happily married for 25+ years, then you'd have my attention.

  • I believe we were not made to be monogamous.

  • Sorry, but the gift giving thing is A REALLY BAD EXAMPLE. What's the point of telling your guy EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT? So he can write you a check for the thing? (WHO'S DOING ALL THE WORK?? Are you his Mommy?). The point of gift giving ISN'T TO HAVE MORE STUFF! It's a nuanced way for the man you love to show you that he KNOWS you, that he's PAYING ATTENTION … that he loves you enough to know what you like and what's important to you. And the same goes for the woman who's buying a gift for her man. Otherwise, WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP? If you don't know me well enough to know the things I like, WHY ARE WE TOGETHER? Am I interchangeable with some other woman whom you ALSO DON'T KNOW? OMG people, let's GROW UP!

  • 13 and 14-year-olds don't need to be dating. There still children. As much as I did at that age I know what I was doing. I grew up in the 70s and 80s. But I don'tunderstand how she's talking about just new teenagers skills? I mean what did they do for all these teenagers into their adulthood?

  • In order to have a healthy relationship you should start it to yourself and be matured enough.

  • +TEDxTalks This seminar would be of help to get the emotionally healthy headed on the correct course. I and many Spectrumites like myself, otoh, have no clue to how a healthy relationship is supposed to work; and having seen with my own eyes the disastrous effects of controlled substances has complicated matters above and beyond my neurologic limits, including but not limited to erroneous data about the functioning of relationships in general. What sort of resources are available for those with insufficient and/or inaccurate information about the inner workings of interpersonal relations?

  • I'm educating myself for my future girlfriend 😀

  • It is really good what she says, but while watching I thought she gives relationships in general to much credit.

  • She is talking from theory, statistics, and facts, definitions… basically if we are able to be better at relationships where are happier…. aha… that doesn´t sound much impressive, i have to admit. And We is talking about skills to relationships like they are something extra to us… but it´s about ourselves and then about the relationship.

  • Insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation

  • Love these podcasts 😍

  • good piece

  • an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure 😀

  • great talk!

  • I came here hoping to grow some hope in my relationship. Instead I now feel like I chose a bad partner because I already do these things (not saying I'm perfect, but I already practice her points) and my partner doesn't. Now I understand even more why I've been so unhappy. Because my partner lacks healthy relationship competence. I wish showing this would help him, but I really think he would only be defensive or just not get it anyway.

  • What if LOVE is meant to fixed? It comes BROKEN & 2 committed people agreed to fix it. That's why it is called a RELATIONSHIP

  • Thank you!

  • Teach your kids to be self-content that life has its ups and down. Happiness is a state of mind that we are the only one who can do it.

  • I have had 2 marriages, & many girlfriends/companions over the years, & I have never…EVER…had ONE "argument" that was initiated by me. The argument context may (perhaps) have been bcuz of something I did – allegedly, but I have never started verbal discourse in a relationship. That's pretty cool, huh?

  • great

  • So, is there hope for not so young people who are romantically incompetent?

  • A keeper.

  • Does Troplusfix Dating Secrets really work? I see many people keep on talking about Troplusfix Dating Secrets. But I'm not sure if it's good enough to saving your marriage.

  • This is advice is terrible.

    When are you going to get to the part about taking full responsibility for your emotions?

    This should be banned

  • Does Troplusfix Dating Secrets really help to influence your man to treat you better? I've read numerous good things about this popular relation guide.

  • Im 5 mins in and feel like been listening for half hr

  • This video really helped me understand how complex a relationship is. I feel like i actually learned how to be a better girlfriend and how to support the relationship. I am a extremely insecure person and ive had problems with jealousy, so this video really helped me. Thank you for posting this video, i am really glad i found this.

  • There's no such thing as perfect relationship but somehow we could learn the most important skills to build a long lasting relationship. We should be able to master the skills of communication towards your partner and be understanding in every situation especially when it's most needed.

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