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Added: April 12, 2019
Problem with intrusive thoughts : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum
this is sort of related to the thread i put up about perpetuated trauma but i feel it’s off-topic enough for me to put this somewhere else.
basically, for a while now both me and jones have been getting what i can only call “intrusive thoughts” about the two of us being… shall we say, intimate with each other. this is rather difficult for several reasons. for one, we’re both in committed relationships with outside people. i also have issues on my end connected to sexual identity (still can’t figure out if i’m not attracted to men or if trauma made me so scared of dating men that the very thought of it repulses me). jones has feelings for me too, and all of this ties into trauma as well (which i talked about in the other thread), so as you can imagine, it’s a very complicated situation.
it’s making life really difficult for the both of us. i swing between romanticising it – thinking jones can “heal” me from my trauma, falling into bad survival coping strategies, telling myself he’s such a “nice guy” – to being paranoid and terrified of being taken advantage of. jones is struggling with his feelings towards being a guy, feeling scared of himself, feeling ashamed of his own feelings, turning to others to be hurt as a “coping” strategy because he’d rather he was hurt than ever hurt me.
i know this is all internal stuff, and to a certain degree maybe i shouldn’t be letting myself focus on it, but it’s causing the both of us a lot of stress and ignoring it just ends up making things worse. we both don’t want to a) perpetuate any trauma through each other, and b) want to preserve our friendship and our individual relationships. we’ve talked about this with our individual partners, who both said they’d have issues with me and jones being intimate with each other, intentional or not.
it’s difficult because there isn’t a lot of difference sometimes between a sudden visual intrusive thought and an interaction between people inside, when it comes to how real it seems. this often makes the both of us panic. it’s causing problems internally, it’s causing problems externally (jones is avoiding the front because he feels like he’s making things worse by being around me), it’s causing tension between me and jones and our individual partners. it’s so much stress and i have no idea how to deal with it.
i brought it up in therapy, and i’m hoping we can focus on it, but i’m not sure what to do about it really.
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