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Possible HOCD for ten years : Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Forum
I’m a 30 year old male. Up until I was 20 I always thought of myself as straight. I had crushes on girls and was in “love” with a few. I had a few gay thoughts through out my life but not really more then a handful.. When first dating girls I discovered kissing wasn’t as exciting as I had thought it would be and wondered to myself if kissing a man would be better, but quickly forgot about that.
When I was 20 one day I didn’t really have any interest in talking to my girlfriend. I didn’t understand why as she seemed perfect to me and the only explanation I came up with was that I was gay.
And here I am nine years later. I have struggled with whatever is happening with me on and off with some okay times but right now has been my worst. Looking back, at first it seemed pretty prototypical HOCD, however now it doesn’t seem that way. I understand this is a pretty common statement among people with ocd, but that is how I feel.
At this point I’m attracted to guys now. I have lost almost all interest in women both sexually and romantically. They will still catch my eye, but then it’s just like “while I don’t want to date or do anything with them”. Someone on this or another forum described this feeling like looking at an amazing piece of art work, and I think that is a good description of how I feel. The painting is amazing, beautiful, and I could look at it for hours, but that’s it. I don’t want to do anything else with it, just look at it. Sex, kissing, dating women just seems uninteresting and boring now where as guys seem more interesting and exciting.
Sometimes when I’m home by myself I’ll think about it and be like, “you know, yeah, I do want to marry a woman and have kids still, just like I always have.” But then once I get out in the world I’ll see a guy and just feel like, “how could I ever be with a girl when I know this guy exists.”
For some reason now I’m interested and attracted to guys, especially gay looking guys. They catch my eye the most.
I’m not really sure why I’m even posting here based on what I just wrote. I’m obviously in stone sense looking for reassurance, but reassurance of what?
I spend, and want to spend, almost all of my free time researching OCD and HOCD. Again, based on what I just wrote I’m not really sure why. When reading a lot of the stories, especially ones involving gay people or things, I’m now aroused by them or feel connected and want to be intimate with the poster. My best guess is that I am gay and enjoy reading these things but it also allows me to make it seem like I’m straight by saying it’s OCD when I’m really in denial.
Along with the attraction and interest in guys, I also feel that I don’t want to “get better” and that I don’t even want to be straight. One, because if I’m actually gay there is nothing to get better from, and two because the attraction and interest I have in guys is so much stronger than it was for girls. Attraction, interest, and arousal are all things that make you happy and feel good, so why would I want to get rid of those things for something worse.
I was seeing OCD specialist and had been on and off for the past seven years, however I’ve never really been able to follow anything he says as I just feel like I’m lying to myself when I’m really gay. I just don’t see how it’s possible for me to be more interested and attracted to guys and for that to be “caused by/related to” ocd. Everyone on these forums with ocd always says they hate their thoughts or is worried that they like them. I don’t hate my thoughts, and I don’t worry that I like them because I actually like them. I just can’t believe they are a part of ocd.
So again, I don’t really know why I’m here. I guess reassurance to make me feel better and see if this “could be” ocd so that I can blame this on ocd as a form of denial.
This was much longer than I intended and I appreciate if you’ve read my post. I guess I’m wondering if anyone has had as extreme a situation and had this actually turn out to be OCD. I would appreciate any thoughts or input.
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