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Losing connection with parts : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum
We made a big change in therapy few weeks ago.
I started creating connection with my known parts last summer. That’s when I started feeling them in me and knew parts I was before thinking are pure imagination, are actually real and they do co-front with me, and I do lose some time, although not much of it, and it happens only in safe situations. That new connection changed my way of using the body. I had always been tense, I always used to keep my hands very close to my body and lot of that kind little stuff that looks like I would be anxious, shy and reserved, although that was not my true feeling. That all went away, I started to be relaxed, I started “talking with my hands”, like showing things when I talk, which I never did before, the way I sit changed, plenty of little changes, when I gave up the tension. I think it was there originally to keep parts away. When all the muscles are tense all the time, it’s harder for boys to come thru.
We have worked and talked about the known parts until few weeks ago. Then T understood what I told her in the beginning, that the parts I am aware of, really doesn’t share my background at all. T struggles to see the link between what happened to me, and the known parts. We do know there are other parts hiding, and they are the ones with my memories and feelings, the ones who know the story what happened to this body and mind long time ago. She also realized she doesn’t know that much about me, because the stories of the boys do take over the therapy. So we changed the way to approach thing, especially when it came clear we can’t help the boys before we change the way their word works, and it doesn’t happen by thinking about the world itself, but by changing the reasons why it has to be the way it is.
Two times now we have talked about my past. I don’t have any feelings about it. I can’t really even remember being scared, anxious or anything like that, because all I can remember is me being able to dissociate and decide not to feel bad things. It has never fully worked, they go away in that moment, but the depression and anxiousness always come thru anyway, it just comes when there is no certain reason for it.
On Monday it will be 3 weeks since we last time talked about my known parts. A lot of things has happened in this time. I have lost the connection with the boys. I can’t imagine them coming into the body with me anymore. It’s like I would have forgotten they are there and still real. My body is tense all the way, especially around people. I was working Monday morning, and all muscles of my neck are so tight, there is a numb, tingling feeling in both of the hands, from shoulder to fingers. I know it comes from the neck, because I used to have these symptoms all the time before. Today I was working, and my whole face was tingling. It feels like little mouses would be running around my face on the skin. I’m keeping my shoulders up all the time, try to relax them and as soon as I think something else, I forget them again and they are up to my ears. I’m twisting my chin to weird position, muscles between my legs are tight because I keep then tense all the time. I’m back where I was before I created the connection with known parts.
And the worst thing is that it’s not just my body. My mind goes back to making stories. Someone asked help for her girlfriend in here, on the forum, because she was in denial and wanted to go back to bad people. My mind’s way to understand what was asked is to make a story about it, and feel how it feels. So used Fourteen again before I understood what am I doing and that I’m not suppose to think like that. Trigger warning for the story, SA I imagined Fourteen running away from Millrock, and then coming back without knowing where he has been and what has happened, but he is all bruised and he’s been raped. TW ends. I can not know what “stories become true to Fourteen and which doesn’t. Some do, some don’t. There has been a lot of storied I then took back, like they never happened, and he doesn’t remember as far as I know anything such happening to him. But he is all traumatized, and it is because of these stories. But now that I am back where I was before, that is my way of understanding bed things. I make them happen. After that I can understand what someone is feeling and why and what the subject was. I’m not making things up to hurt anyone. I process things I see and hear like that. Thru parts. And if we don’t have anyone suitable for the job in hand, we can create new one. Sometimes they disappear after that, sometimes they stay. I have no control over what happens to the stories and over how true they can come to others, when I throw them in the world they live in.
I know that the parts we are trying to find, do wanna hide, or there is someone bigger than them telling them to hide. I can imagine that the way I got tense again can be to prevent me finding anyone, my body is making itself hard to approach from inside. And probably the same thing happens to the mind, when it’s back in telling stories again. I don’t know how much about it is because I somehow forgot the parts I know (although I was aware it can happen and I won’t let it happen, it still happened) and how much of it is resistance to deal with anything that is real to me.
I will talk about this with T first thing next Monday. I’d still hope some opinions. And please don’t hate me for hurting Fourteen. It’s not intentional. Now that I’m back where I used to be, my mind is also back processing information the way I know. Not being allowed to do that means I’m not allowed to think. I can’t keep myself from seeing or hearing anything harmful or interesting, and that’s what I do with things that need processing.
Smeone is removing parts of the writing, so I’ll send it even tho I know there are still words missing and it might be hard to read. I think I was able to put all important back where it was.
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