Feeling Like I Have No Right To Be Angry Now : Child Abuse Forum

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Feeling Like I Have No Right To Be Angry Now : Child Abuse Forum


I’m currently going through a big bump in the road with my life, I’m 23 and have found myself fixating over childhood sexual, physical and psychological abuse lately. For years I’d tried to move on and develop some sense of mental strength despite a difficult childhood. I’m realising now I’ve never given myself the chance to properly process anything. I really am the type of person who NEVER talks about my personal problems, I’m generally like an overly-private person, but I have told a small handful of close people to me in the past, although I’d never really gone into any proper detail regarding it, it was always just speaking in objective terms. I’ve realised no one really knows about the things I’d experienced. I’ve been in therapy a few times when I was in my teens, had issues with pretty bad depression and eating disorders, but I never really talked about my childhood in any detail. And now I think I’m at the point where an outpouring of it all is needed. Although my issue is I really grudge the whole, trying to talk about it with people thing… Honestly, I have this hardcore fear that if I talk about it, the listener will immediately think; a) I’ve got some kind of victim complex and I’m seeking attention and sympathy or b) I’ve got mental issues or must be some kind of high-risk, emotional loose-canon. – So, in avoidance of anyone thinking either of these, I don’t talk about it. Or I also generally feel like a sense of guilt for even getting worked up about it from time to time, years later…. because, it’s true that I’m not a child anymore, I’m not in that position anymore. My abuser has also apologised to me for his actions in my childhood. Everything’s been forgotten. So I feel like the rational part of my brain is saying “why are you fixating over this thing that doesnt exist anymore?! YOU have the power to do what you want with your life. Happiness is a CHOICE.” – I try and convince myself of this sh*t, yet here I am still feeling the same degree of fury and disgust over having been violated as a kid. And honestly, to this day, absolutely NOTHING in the this entire god-forsaken world makes me more FURIOUS, blood-boiling-FURIOUS, than human beings who physically, sexually or emotionally abuse children. Like, there literally is NO greater evil in my eyes. So, honestly a huge part of me feels blood-boiling anger over my own childhood. It’s like I dont think of child-me as the same “me”. It’s literally like that kid (me) is a separate person. And I sort of look over childhood memories in third person and I’ll just wish I could intervene somehow. Save that little kid. Literally, the earliest memory of my life and probably one of the most traumatic was being pretty badly beaten at 4/5 years old. My memory is generally pretty f*cked when it comes to my childhood… I have zero memory from nursery age, literally zero. And throughout there’s generally a lot a blanks, which I know the brain can like block stuff out as a means of protection/self-preservation. Anyway, I’m at the point, probably a lot of abuse victims come to whereby you hit a crossroads. (We probably hit the same crossroads time and time again, where you can choose either a self-destructive route, likely to lead to more pain… or you can try and pick things up best you can, make the most of your life, try to be happy and spread happiness. I guess healing from childhood abuse isn’t a sort of “linear” process… it comes with plenty of ups and downs. But the general direction is always toward recovery. It can be hard to overcome a lot of ingrained psychological patterns; eg. Something a lot of abuse victims go through, and something I can personally relate to is having been “coached” throughout their abuse to remain quiet, through psychological manipulation that it’s your fault and that telling others will lead to worse consequences. I think this was probably the worst part of it all, because that’s what allows it to continue. That also moulds you for later in life; becoming timid, overly-guilty/apologetic, vigiliant to other people’s body language/opinions of you, avoiding conflict. I guess these are just some of the long list of potential ingrained habits that need to worked through.

I’m not really sure what the point of this post was… (lost my train of thought with brain fog haha) but I probably had a general desire to vent, as well as a desire to encourage other people hitting a similar bump in the road – to keep moving forward, to vent when you need to and to remember that unfortunately, too many people have gone through the same kinds of things, so you’re not alone in how you feel. Support is out there! There’s no shame in asking for help! And with time and effort, you have the ability to make positive changes for your life.





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