Can this cause sexual trauma? TW sexuality : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum

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Can this cause sexual trauma? TW sexuality : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum


There’s a lot of sexual trauma in my known system. We do not know why. Age 12 seems to be meaningful with that.

I’ve tried to think why. T also asked the question why is that. I don’t know.

What I can think about, is that my puberty started very early. My sister was 4 years older, but she wasn’t that much ahead of me with puberty than you’d think. It was awful. I remember my first periods, I remember my panties with strawberry figures in them, and I remember crying, because it felt overwhelmingly bad. I remember crying, because I didn’t want to be an adult yet, but having my periods meant I would be. I was 9.

Years later my mom told she called pediatrician to ask if it was normal in that age. Doctor told it’s early, but not impossible. I was having all signs of growing up years before anyone else in my class at school and I was embarrassed. I still don’t get why would anyone want to have large breasts willingly. I was not ready to grow up, and I was not ready to be different in something like that. Luckily I was never bullied because of it, and boys weren’t making comments about me either. I always kept my back stooped, so no one could see me.

My dad had porn magazines at home. They weren’t actually his, but his little brother’s (same one’s who asked my sister to pull down her pants and show herself when my sister was 4 or 5 years old), and I don’t even know why I know that they were his. I think he discussed it openly when we were around. He also had porn movies and talked something about them sometimes. I don’t know if it’s true or do I remember right, but I have shady memory of him watching porn from TV when his parents (my grandparents) and our whole family was in the same room. I can’t ask from my mom, because I know and she knows she doesn’t remember many things she should, or she remembers them wrong ways. And my dad certainly doesn’t remember anything.

I looked at the porn magazines with my sister several times. I can’t remember how old I was, but what ever my age was, I was still 4 years younger than she was. She didn’t make me, there was no forcing. There was no touching. I think it stared before I got my periods, but I can’t be sure.

I remember masturbating a lot when I was a kid, from very early on. Well I don’t know how much is “a lot” for a child, and I don’t remember how often actually, but I felt very much ashamed of it. I always made promises to myself I’d stop, but I couldn’t. Even prayed for that, but it didn’t help. There can be a gap somewhere when I didn’t do it, but it can also be my mind altering time. I feel like there could be same kind of gaps without having periods, but I don’t think there actually were. Sometimes when I did it, or had periods, I just wasn’t able to remember when it happened last time, and it FELT like ages ago. I was probably dissociating those things.

I don’t remember anything special happening when I was 12. This is all I can come up with. I don’t know if it’s enough to cause so much sexual violence in the system.

I know trauma is not an event, something is traumatic if it caused trauma. But I don’t know did it.

I never grew up to be a woman. I don’t like that word. I identify as female, but not as a woman. Woman sounds too sexual and too adult. Adult wrong way.





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