Beth and Karen : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum

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Beth and Karen : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum

The twins want us to type this because they think it’ll be therapeutic and they have no sense of privacy or shame. Anyway we agreed to type it.

Karen: Beth you’re depressed. You sit and don’t do anything and are too introspective.

Beth: That’s very judgey of you. But yes, I can see your point. I would literally just sit here if you didn’t show up.

Karen: What’s making you depressed? You know the twins sent me to learn counselling and psychotherapy to help you and we stopped qualifying once I’d learnt enough. It had nothing to do with me not wanting to hear people’s $#%^ like we told you. So what is making you depressed?

Beth: I’m depressed because I keep thinking about what other terrible things could of happened to me other than the stuff I know about now. I’m depressed because I worry my parents abused me not just my uncle. I keep getting images of different times, things I half remember but then there’s a gap. And it’s making me doubt my whole life as well as the feeling that other bad stuff happened and I don’t remember and that’s really really depressing. It’s paralysing depressing.

Karen: What half images Beth?

Beth: I remember I slept in the bathroom on the scales. And my dad came in and lifted me up and carried me and said “did you think you could hide from me in here” and laughed a bit. Then I don’t remember what happened. It’s like part of me thinks he put me in bed like a normal person and part of me thinks he took me in his room with mum and did horrible stuff to me.

It’s depressing because if its true he did horrible stuff then that’s on its own depressing. And it’s depressing because if its not true then I’m a really messed up person to think something like that, something so terrible. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I’m sexually abused by my parents or I’m really really sick in the head. I just want the truth. If I knew 100% which was the truth I could face it and get help and know what’s wrong with me. Am I abused or sick in the head? There’s no nice option there. I thought about there being a possible third option and considered after what happened with my uncle is it a messed up Electra complex that would cause such stuff but that goes back to “sick in the head” I just want the truth.

Karen: That is a difficult place to be in and I can see why that would paralyse you with depression. It’s the not knowing that has become the root of this rather than what happened.

Beth: When you say “what happened” do you mean it did happen, all my worst fears.

Karen: You know the twins have always used outside stimulus and places as memory hooks. So as much as I believe we were abused and that caused my eating issues, sleeping around etc I can’t 100% tell you that what I believe is accurate because I have no actual memory of it either. They told us where they hinged that memory to.

Beth: yes, they show me the place often. They show me them standing there with Mandy. And they tell me we have to go there. It’s up high, a long climb, we only went there once and they picked it because of its name. They picked it because we hate climbing hills and heights, the name of the place is scary so we’d only go there if we really really wanted those memories to come back. They say they don’t remember either and it might not be our worse fears, it could be something else. Looking at the place in the mind isn’t enough, we have to physically go there. Like when one of us falls asleep for ages and we have to go to certain places to “pick them up” so they catch up, feel like themselves properly, connect to the outside world again and it’s a smoother easier way then throwing someone out front and they’re disorientated. Like how no-one went to places she felt connected to and then felt ok quicker.

Karen: they promised me remembering like this and using an outside point is more gentle and taken on by the brain better than if they didn’t use outside points. I believe them.

Beth: I have to go there then. I think that’s the other reason I’ve been sitting doing nothing. It’s procrastination as well as paralysing depression. We’ll book time off work, book a hotel near there and do it.

Karen: after our holiday though. We will go there. Stop procrastinating and know we’ll go there.

Beth: Worst case we remember nothing and I still don’t know so I have nothing to loose.

Karen: Yes. So we’ll get on with the day now?

Beth: :)

KarenPatrickPeterthe twinsMandyRose

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